Hope for New York

My first experience with the death of someone I loved was the passing of my grandmother who was 96 at the time.  The next was with Margaret.   But this experience was different. Despite her physical illness, Margaret was a dear friend of mine who I felt still had so many more years to live, so many art projects yet to begin and complete (she was a passionate artist), so many more worship services to attend, so many more moments to share with her precious daughter Amanda who she loved so very much.
 
Just about four days before Margaret died; I went to visit her at the hospital. On the way in, I noticed a young woman standing in the hallway entrance of the ICU.  She was crying and in that brief moment as we walked past her, I empathized for her knowing that she probably had a loved one who was very sick.  When I arrived into Margaret's room, she said, "Did you see my daughter Amanda? She's here!"  I then realized that the young woman in the hallway was her daughter.  I quickly ran out to introduce myself. She said, "How do you know my mother?" I told her that I was a friend of her mother’s from the church.  She said, "Wow, that's so nice to hear.  I didn't know my mom had friends." 

I had heard about Amanda for as long as I have known Margaret. Margaret would always ask for prayer to be able to see her daughter who had been put into foster care since she was eight years-old.  Since then, Margaret had very little contact with her until just about a year ago when they reconnected.  I told Amanda I felt like I was meeting an old friend since I had heard so much about her.  I left the hospital that night praising God for answering Margaret's prayer to spend time with her daughter.  I know she must have cherished every second of it.  

The next day, I visited Margaret again.  While she was still so talkative and full of life, she said she was in a great deal of pain.  She said she didn't know why God was still keeping her here.  She didn't see how God could possibly use her for His will given the condition she was in. She said she felt like she was getting very close to the end of her life and that she wished the Lord would please take her.  I told Margaret that I really don't know why God allows such pain and suffering into our lives, but it can't be because He doesn't love us.  After all, He sent His only Son to die for us.  I said that I also know that He allows them to happen for a reason that is beyond our understanding, and that we have to have faith that somehow, somewhere, sometime, He will reveal His purpose.  She said she agrees but she still questioned what good could God possibly bring out of her situation.  "Just look at me, Jane," as she pointed to her swollen, frail body covered in scabs and bruises, and connected to numerous tubes to help her breathe and keep her alive.  I told her I could completely understand why she would question God's reason and purpose and that if I were in her situation, I would be saying the same thing or probably feel even more doubtful.  I said again that I honestly didn't know the answer but I did know that we must be faithful in knowing that God is in control and that He has a plan for all of us. 

I then asked her, "What keeps you going, Margaret?"  She said that her faith in Jesus and trusting and obeying Him keeps her going. I was silenced in amazement and humility when she said this.  Even through all the afflictions she was experiencing, even through her doubts in God's ultimate purpose, her faith remained steadfast.  I told her that in that moment, God was using her to encourage and minister to me. 
 
Just three days later on Sunday afternoon, Amanda called me and told me that her mother passed away.  I was taken by surprise since I felt so sure that I would see Margaret again. I didn't think for a moment that the lively conversation we had would be our last. Now, I found myself in a position of planning her memorial service. When I felt sad and missed her, I would say, "She's in a better place now."  Isn't that what everyone says after someone passes away?  I didn't realize how true this really is until we had all gathered for her memorial service.
 
It was held at 6pm on the 6th floor cafeteria space of the hospice she had lived in before her death.  The room was filled with residents, staff members and volunteers who all sat around in an intimate circle to sing hymns, pray, listen to message about the gospel, and share stories about Margaret.  In the center were candles lighting up a framed picture of Margaret doing what she always loved doing - painting.  Amanda was also there to share her powerful testimony of all the things she learned from her mother and how thankful she was for the time she did have to spend time with her mother.  She said most importantly, her mother taught her to always believe in herself.  Each person had their own story to tell but one thing was clear through the memories that everyone shared about Margaret.  She loved her daughter Amanda and she loved Jesus.  She would talk about Him as if He were that one famous celebrity you had always wanted to meet.  I realized that night... she is actually with Him now!  I imagined her beautifully clothed in a robe made of fine white silk; completely restored with so much beauty and radiance.  I thought to myself, of course, she's so much happier now. Of course she's in a better place, she's exactly where she wants to be- she's home. 

That night, the residence director said that she had never seen so many residents in one room at the same time unless it's for a party where they know there'll be free giveaways. It was a testament to the many number of people Margaret touched.  That night, there were so many residents who heard the hopeful message of Jesus Christ through Margaret.  I smiled as I remembered my conversation with Margaret at the hospital just a few days prior.  I quietly thanked God for beginning to reveal a glimpse of how He would use Margaret to share the message of His love with others and bring about good in people's lives.  
 
Knowing Margaret in her life and death has shaped my view of my own life and death. First, I realize how fragile and temporary my life is here on earth.  I could be SO alive in one moment... and gone the next.  Death is real.  Second, I realize that no matter how completely fragile, weak and helpless we are physically, emotionally or spiritually (I think of Margaret in her last days as I write this) God will use us and work for the good of those who love Him. We are His dearly loved children and He will use each and one of us to fulfill His ultimate plan.  Third, I realize the truth in the saying you are truly "in a better place" after you die believing in Jesus and accepting Him as your Savior.  Rather than feeling afraid or sad when thinking about the death of someone I love or even myself, I now view dying in a very different way.  While of course there is much sadness and grief after someone passes, I realize there should be much greater joy in knowing that the person has gone to our true home to be in heaven with our Father.  Lastly, knowing where I will be after death has made me think much harder about the kind of life I want to live until I go home to heaven.